I Lost my Brother
It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything meaningful here. A lot has been going on that I’ve wanted to post about. But. One thing overshadows everything else.
In August, I lost my younger brother to suicide. It’s been a shattering experience. It’s almost kind of ridiculous to try and write about it. The most accurate thing I’ve heard describing the experience of dealing with the suicide of a loved one is that there are no words to describe it. But I feel paralyzed in this blog until I address it. So here’s the thing. When you find out. Immediately there’s a violent gash that separates your life. The Before and the After. You desperately want to return to the Before but you know there’s only the After. Chaos. Pain. Insomnia. Anger. Confusion. Anxiety. Guilt. That’s how the After starts. In September I found an incredible art therapy support group called the Rita Project. I started going and my recovery began. Now it’s February and I’m almost feeling normal. I can never get back to the Before. The pain is still there, hard as a rock and confounding, but the chaos, anxiety and confusion have thankfully subsided. Anger is still there. I’m working on that. And no anger for my brother, like I always assumed is what happens after a suicide. Just generalized anger at the world. But onto my brother…He’s almost reached saintly proportions in my mind, even though he was so misunderstood in this life. He suffered from a cruel form of treatment resistant depression. I think many with this type of depression don’t make it past the age of 25.
He made it to 36. Today would have been his 37th birthday. He wasn’t the easiest person to get along with but he was a good person with an awesome sense of humor. He was a total movie buff and the last conversation we had I was telling him I can’t watch Tarantino anymore because I can’t stand all the gore. He said but wait – you have to watch Inglorious Basterds. He said I would like it despite the violence. And damned if I didn’t love that fucking movie. Goodbye, Mikey. You didn’t deserve to die.
